“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: Smizing Throught The Tears
Join me as I put my Masters in Liberal Studies to use and deconstruct the Butlerian gender politics of this particular post-modern hyper-simulacrum. Just kidding! My Masters degree is completely useless, so let’s just recap the dumbest shit people do instead. In fact, considering this show has been on for 20 damn seaso—I mean cycles—we can pretty much break down each stupid-ass thing the contestants do into a variety of equally predictable modular categories. Let’s test out this thought experiment, shall we?
Useless Piece of Advice Offered by a Judge: Tyra meets Marvin, a Bronx native from an economically unfortunate background. Marvin explains to the judges that when he was growing up he was embarrassed by his father, a lowly janitor. In a moment of self-help inspired nonsense, Tyra commands this tearful boy-toy to 
scream, at the top of his lungs, “MY DAD IS A JANITOR!!” What this has to do with being a good model I’m not clear on.
scream, at the top of his lungs, “MY DAD IS A JANITOR!!” What this has to do with being a good model I’m not clear on.
Bold-Faced Lie the Judges Tell to Give the Show Artistic Credibility: Johnny Wujek, the lispy, silly-hatted wonderboy who replaced Mister Jay last season, tells the kids that the first runway show will be “avant-garde.” At this particular moment, part of me wished that Mathew Barney and Bjork would descend from the sky wearing dresses made of squids. Instead the twist was that the models had to kiss each other at the end of their runway walk. And then Marcel Duchamp turned over his grave and threw up on himself.
Obvious Sob Story: What would ANTM be without some poor disadvantaged or marginalized individual expressing their sadness in an awkwardly claustrophobic confessional? Because this was the first episode of this cycle, we had plenty of lacrimation. But the winner of sobbiest sob story goes to Virgg, a beautiful transgender woman who left the competition because of health issues due to her hormone treatments. Virgg, in your short time on this show, you kissed a straight man and made him question his sexuality. For that we salute you. Can’t wait to see you in Cycle 21.
Petty Cat-Fight: This one actually took me by surprise: I expected the women to be the biggest offenders in this category, however the men proved to be the bitchier bitches this week. Socially awkward Chris H. does not understand homo-sociality, so he goes around rochambeau-ing the other male mannequins. Hipster Phil (because he has a beard, and fingerless gloves, and ripped jeans; so Brooklyn!) 
doesn’t take kindly to this male bonding ritual and throws a drink in his face and gestures feverishly until the camera cuts to commercial. Later, we get a shot of Hipster Phil looking angry when Chris H. is chosen to move on in the competition. Will they be our Sharon Needles and Phi Phi O’Hara?
doesn’t take kindly to this male bonding ritual and throws a drink in his face and gestures feverishly until the camera cuts to commercial. Later, we get a shot of Hipster Phil looking angry when Chris H. is chosen to move on in the competition. Will they be our Sharon Needles and Phi Phi O’Hara?
Useless Male-Model Moment: There was literally a minute-long montage of these gorillas asking “Where the girls at?” before arriving at the competition. We get it. You’re straight. In fact, so straight, it’s pretty hard to tell any of you apart. Except for femme-queen Cory (right) and that tiny gay who didn’t get any screen time. Hey Cory, you seem pretty cool, now go slay those breeders on the runway.
Just Plain Old Stupid-Ass Thing Someone Said: We all know models aren’t known for their smarts. So every episode there will be at least one person saying something mind-bogglingly idiotic. The winner of this 
week’s JPOSATSS award goes to Ke$ha wannabe Alexandra (right), who, when explaining her personal history, said this: “My family’s just been through so much […] My dad had his entire company but then the economy happened and we lost everything.” Let me say that again. The economy happened. It just happened. That’s how economies work, they just happen. Okay.
week’s JPOSATSS award goes to Ke$ha wannabe Alexandra (right), who, when explaining her personal history, said this: “My family’s just been through so much […] My dad had his entire company but then the economy happened and we lost everything.” Let me say that again. The economy happened. It just happened. That’s how economies work, they just happen. Okay.
Well that should be it for this week. The next episode airs August 9, and we have so much to look forward to! But mostly, I just can’t wait to discover who has an illicit gay-porn past and see what other lace-fronts Tyra receives from the Dida Ritz Wig of the Month Club!
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